Step 1: Prep Your Situation

Preheat oven to 350°F (175°C). This is important—don’t put your cake in a cold oven like a monster.

Grease and flour two 9-inch round cake pans, or line the bottoms with parchment paper circles. This is your insurance policy against cake-stuck-in-pan tragedy.

Step 2: Make the Magical Cake Batter

In a large bowl, whisk together flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Get all those dry ingredients cozy with each other.

Add eggs, milk, oil, and vanilla. Mix with an electric mixer on medium speed for about 2 minutes until smooth. Scrape down the sides of the bowl because there’s always some rebel flour hiding there.

Reduce speed to low and carefully add the hot coffee. The batter will be THIN—like, suspiciously thin. Don’t panic. This is correct. This is what makes it so moist.

Step 3: Bake These Bad Boys

Divide batter evenly between your prepared pans. They’ll be pretty full, which is fine.

Bake for 30-35 minutes. You’ll know they’re done when a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean or with just a few moist crumbs. The tops should spring back when lightly pressed.

Let them cool in the pans for 10 minutes, then turn out onto wire racks to cool completely. And I mean COMPLETELY. Warm cake + frosting = melty disaster.

Step 4: Make That Frosting

Beat softened butter on medium-high speed for about 3 minutes until it’s pale and fluffy. Your arm will get tired if using a hand mixer, but it’s worth it.

Add cocoa powder and mix on low until combined. It’ll look dry and crumbly—keep going.

Add powdered sugar one cup at a time, alternating with splashes of milk. Beat well after each addition.

Add vanilla and salt. Beat on high speed for about 3 minutes until the frosting is light, fluffy, and absolutely gorgeous.

If it’s too thick, add more milk a tablespoon at a time. Too thin? Add more powdered sugar. You’re the boss of this frosting.

Step 5: Assemble This Masterpiece

Place one cake layer on your serving plate. If the top is domed, trim it flat with a serrated knife. Eat the scraps. Baker’s tax.

Spread about 1 to 1 1/2 cups of frosting on top of the first layer. Go all the way to the edges.

Place second layer on top, flat side up. Press down gently.

Spread a thin “crumb coat” of frosting all over the cake to seal in the crumbs. Refrigerate for 15-30 minutes to let it set.

Apply the rest of the frosting, making it as smooth or swirly as you want. Get creative. Make it pretty. Or don’t. It’s gonna taste amazing either way.

Step 6: Serve and Accept Praise

Let the cake sit at room temperature for about 30 minutes before slicing so the frosting softens slightly.

Use a long, sharp knife and wipe it clean between cuts for perfect slices.

Serve with a glass of cold milk or a cup of coffee. Or just eat it straight with your hands. I’m not your mom.